All That Begins, Must Surely Come to an End.

And a HUGE B"H!!!

Well folks…and so, the saga ends!

Pay close attention, because you are gonna LOVE this one.

Ok, so I schlepped to Tel Aviv yesterday, get to the clinic after partaking of many modes of transportation, and am told by the “prescription giver” that I MUST wait, because the “Doctor” wants to speak with me, before he can give me a prescription.

Now this is an extremely nice man, who has had his own battles with drugs, and therefore knows better than to stand, kneel, or even sit on a pedestal of any kind. I both respect and appreciate him.

He is a very good person.

So back to the story.

I waited roughly an hour and a half, for the “doctor” who to her credit (though she certainly had ulterior motives) , actually arrived early.

So, she proceeds to call me into her room, invites in the nice man as well, and asks me to call my wife, so that she can be a part of the conversation, and the BEST part is, she asks to use MY phone! lol.

So I told her, I’ll be happy to give her your number, and you can call her, but certainly not on my dime, you know?

Uch, what a self-absorbed bitch.

So anyway, she then, for the next 5 to 7 minutes, proceeds to inform my wife, that not only, A. Has she, “the doctor” been a psychiatrist for a whole 7 years, but that B. For the last 2 she has been dealing exclusively with addicts and inmates.

Ok, so once her truly astounding (certainly by any standard) credentials had been revealed, she proceeded to inform my wife that it is her diagnosis, that I am, what was it?   Ah, “Mentally Disordered”.

That she has never had a patient not get along with her or harass her like I have.

Now, ok, this woman, is so brash, so instantly judgmental, and so incredibly incapable of compassion or empathy, that I would be willing to bet SIGNIFICANTLY, that she is completely full of shit.

From the first moment I met her she was abrasive and rude to me.  And I get along with everyone, literally everyone, you could ask a dozen people to be character witnesses (G-d forbid), and to attest with joy to the state of my “mental health”. Oh, yes, and told my wife that, NOW, the responsibility of my “mental health problem” is now her responsibility :).

It’s not like it built up throughout the “relationship”.  In any case, Praise The Lord, I am done with her forever!!! B”H

I mean, I suppose, that to be a good Jew, that I need to say, Hashem should help, and that she and hers should live long happy and successful lives, ad 12o.

But the regular man in me? Oy va voy!!!

Alas, as always, Hashem wins out.

Everything happens for a reason.

His reason.

I am just grateful, that he decided, to get me the Heck away from her!!! B”H!!!

Schlepping to Tel Aviv, Again…

Just Say No!!!

You know, I am so tired of this bullshit, that I can’t even express my frustration without using profanity any longer, and THAT my friends, is pretty bad!

Seriously, if the withdrawal were not that bad, and my mood swings (mostly bad) wouldn’t 100% (we’ve discussed it 🙂 ruin my marriage, I would shut myself up in the back room and suffer it out.  THAT is how sick and tired I am of this shit!

So I spoke with the bitch last night, she suggests that I come in, “we talk” and that she will give me my weekly prescription of Subutex.

You see, she has me by the balls, and she absolutely knows this fact.

I now NEED this medication, because it is very difficult to get (witch 🙂 she knows) and if I don’t take it I go into massive withdrawal, which she also knows that I really DO NOT want to do.

So, a rock and a hard place? Yes.

But not even my choice!

I did not choose to become addicted to opiates! I fell out of a friggin’ window and was put on opiates because they were the only think that helped the pain.

If I knew then, what I know now? I would have suffered through the leg pain, and dealt with it bitching and moaning the entire time, the best I could.

Alas, cest le guerre (such is war).  And this situation most certainly is what it is!

Am I angry? No.

Am I frustrated? Thoroughly!

This is the day that I am “looking forward” to: 1. Get on a multi-person taxi to Tel Aviv (travel time, approximately, 1 hour 15 minutes). When I get to Tel Aviv, I must then get on another multi-person taxi to the clinic. I must “have a talk” with the doctor, get my prescription, and then walk out to the main street and catch a cab to travel the 5 minutes it takes to get to the pharmacy, which because they are in cahoots with the clinic, charges three times what the medication would normally cost.

Then after I obtain the crap, I need to take the crosswalk on the same side of the road, and stand at the bus stop waiting for the 26 or 70 bus. This bus will take me back to where I arrived in Tel Aviv, at which point I will board another multi-person taxi, wait for anywhere form 1 minute to 30 until it fills up (10 seats) and then travel (now) 1 hour and 40 minutes due to rush hour.

When I exit, the taxi, I must wait anywhere between 1 and 45 minute for my bus home, and once I board, I am on my way back to my sanctuary.  Thank G-d.

Ah yes, and for this glorious, fun filled trip, Bob, I leave Jerusalem at 3:00 pm and don’t return home until roughly 8:30 pm.

Sound like fun, right?

In addition, I do the same EXACT thing EVERY Thursday!!!

Please people, listen to me VERY carefully.  Do not do stupid things, and get yourselves into situations like these. There is an old phrase which happens to apply very well here.

“Measure twice, cut once”. 

Please think before you act. 

No one deserves to be treated this way, or to have to go through this kind of ridiculousness treatment.

Mordechai

Becoming Aware that the Things That You Do and Say Affect Others

When we are in active addiction, we do and say things ALL the time that offend, frighten, and even horrify other people.  These others may be friends, family, co-workers, or anyone really.

But the fact that we are so out of control, completely unable to monitor our own words and behaviors, is nonetheless, of GREAT impact to others. When we are high, we are not concerned with our words, not concerned with others.

The only thing that we are concerned about if locating, obtaining, and using more, drugs, alcohol, or whatever it is.  Most addicts, at least the many that I have know, are very creative, loving, and endearing people.

They are, or often become the centerpiece of the family, and the most trusted of friends, when they are sober, that is.  This is why the addict can get away with the things that they can,  if, and when they do relapse (G-d forbid). People trust them.

Generally, the addict does not wake up one morning and say, “you know, today I am going to start fooling everyone who loves me, for say, the next 6 months, then I’ll relapse, and be able to take advantage of everybody, because, I’ll have earned their trust!, hahahahaha”.

An addict wants to genuinely love and be loved.  The addict wants to be a good person, and the addict generally, and especially in the later years, wants to stop using desperately.

The problem with the addict is that they FORGET!

This is why I try to write a daily blog about addiction.

What it was like, what happened, and what I am like now.

It is my belief as well as that of many others, that if remind myself on a daily basis, that it will be very difficult for me to forget, in fact, quite nearly, impossible.

To say that I am grateful for this ability would be a tremendous understatement.

I have hurt a great many people in my life, emotionally.  I am not a physical person, and was blessed with literally having no temper, so I have never, and G-d willing will never raised a hand to anyone in anger.

I have, to what was my great regret devastated many lives on the levels of trust and emotion.

I am not proud, but also no longer have any regrets about who I was, or the pain that I caused others.

I work exceptionally hard today to be rigorously honest, and to practice a solid spiritual program.

Do I always succeed?

Certainly not!

I do however, try the best that I can.

The way I see my choices are these; I can wallow in my past, feeling sorry for myself, and wanting to destroy the “monster” that I was, or I can move on, make a new life for myself, and continue to be happy, joyous, and free, a loving husband, and a good and loving father.

I choose the later.

Primarily because I see no reason to be miserable for the rest of my future, by holding on to my past.

Mordechai

Accept Yourself – Good, Bad, and Ugly

One of the hardest things for anyone to do in their life is to accept themselves.

We all have flaws.

We all have strengths, and we all have skeletons in our closets, which even if they are not major ones, we would just as well not have them laid out in the open for the general world to know about.

Now take the good things and, the bad things multiplied by about 50, the skeletons by 500, and there you have your typical addict.

You see, there just are not that many good things about being an addict.  And aside from the beginning days, where it actually has it’s fun moments, it is mostly bad, and filled with shame, guilt, and if one is really lucky, at least a touch of remorse.

Accepting oneself is the key to everything in life.  But we were all ruined from a very young age.  Walt Disney introduced the concept of prince charming.  Obviously no such person exists, and is only a stereotype.

However, when faced with a choice between reality and the handsome strapping archetype prince, which would you choose?

Men have been duped in pretty much the same way, young starlets, super-models, Abercrombie and Fitch girls, etc.

This, my friends, is not reality.

This is masochism.

I have a philosophy that we live many lives in one lifetime.

We are presented many chances, to make many different decisions in our lives.  We live, we learn, we laugh, we lose, we gain, and we reap the glory of many moments!

Learning to accept ourselves for who we are: good, bad, and ugly, is the key to living a happy and fulfilled life.

Sure we make mistakes, but we are supposed to.

Here is an example. If someone were to set a jet engine in front of you and ask you to fix it, your gut response would probably be something to the effect of letting out a hearty laugh, gathering you things together, and getting on your way. But how come? The only reason that this task seems impossible is because nobody has ever taught you to fix a jet engine.

If you knew how, it would be easy. Or easier, depending on how many times you had performed the exercise before.

By Nature, we are not perfect. We are flawed, and we are meant to be.

We make attempts; we make mistakes, we learn from them, hopefully, carry on, and try not to make the same mistakes again.

Our noses are too big, our belly’s too fat, our I.Q.s too low, our wife’s too bitchy, our husbands too late, too lazy, and not capable of making nearly enough money to keep us living the lives that we have become accustomed to living.

So when do we get a chance at being happy. When do we get a chance to be content, and begin moving in the right direction? When we learn to accept ourselves for who we are, good, bad, and ugly.

We have skills, skills that no one else has, and, we lack as well.  We have fat butts, double chins, 6 fingers on our fight hands, bad breath, good breath, no senses of humor, great senses or humor, and myriad other positives and negatives.

Once we learn to accept ourselves, good, bad, and ugly, then we have learned to fix that jet engine once and for all 🙂

And the best part is, that we NEVER have to learn the skill again.

We are human.

We are strong.

We are weak.

We are lost and found, sane and not, redeemed, and flawed beyond words.

And we are wonderful in every way.

Except the ways in which we are not.

Accept yourself.  Accept your friends, your parents.  Learn that you are just fine, exactly as you are, and you have no reason to change at all.

Unless, of course, you want to 🙂